Abide With Me
by AndreeaRaducan
Summary: A sudden chase for a suspect goes horribly wrong. Lives hang in the balance, and are held in the hands of the Lord. Rated T for themes. NOTE: This story is not about religion, if that is going to put you off. It is merely named and described after the song 'Abide With Me'.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Another new story. I'm literally the worst person for sticking to projects. Oh well. This was inspired by a story called Breath by KDMOSP, and she was lovely enough to help me out with this story (I believe her exact words were 'Bloody hell woman, keep writing!').**

 **Oh by the way...just a forewarning...this isn't going to be pretty.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or any of its characters and affiliates.**

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" _JJ, take the right flank. There's a maintenance gate behind the trees on the driveway; it leads straight out to the pool area. Morgan's taking the left; he'll cover you from the roof"_

Aaron Hotchner's voice was crisp and clear in her earpiece. His instructions, while simple, put a tiny flutter of nerves into her stomach. This wasn't their usual raid. Their usual raids included brief, yet careful planning, following days of investigation and putting together the profile.

This had come up so abruptly that at one point, JJ hadn't even been sure _who_ they were tracking down. There was no time to call in backup. They had to go it alone, a steely team of six, and hope that their backup arrived in a timely manner.

"Copy that," she said softly, swallowing thickly as she crept up the driveway towards a gap in the flora. She could see Morgan silently making his way up the other side. Pausing for a moment, she watched as he found his own path, and disappeared between the trees.

Forcing herself to keep walking, she tried to shake away her inhibitions. They had silently invaded and searched many locations in the dead of the night before. Not to mention she was armed with a powerful hand gun.

She usually had someone covering her back though.

Spotting the gate through the trees, she glanced up as she walked towards it, her gun held tightly in her hands, stretched out in front of her, ready to fire. The hotel loomed above her, eerie in the dark of the night, clearly quite decrepit even on the outside.

She was thankful upon reaching the gate that it opened fairly quietly. Edging her way through it, she took a deep breath as she pushed it closed. Shrubs and trees reached out over her path, touching her face like gentle fingers as she pushed her way through them.

" _JJ, Morgan, we've got signs that someone's been here within the last hour. Be careful"_

JJ swallowed heavily, creeping along the side of the hotel. "Got it Hotch"

She didn't know what was making her so nervous. Sure, not having backup could definitely rattle her nerves, but something felt off. Something felt wrong.

Shaking it away, she steeled herself against the anxiety and pushed her way out onto the main pool path. The pool sat just before, shaped like a large peanut with a small island of palm trees and shrubs in the center. She wrinkled her nose upon seeing it was filled with water. She knew the hotel had been closed and untouched for at least two years; that water would be beyond filthy by now.

Keeping her gun raised, she moved along the edge of the pool towards the other side of the hotel, her eyes darting about in the darkness for any signs of movement, any signs of the person they hunted.

" _JJ, I'm on the roof...I can't see very well. It's too dark. Where are y-"_

JJ flinched as Morgan was suddenly cut off.

"Morgan?" she said urgently, yet softly, quickening her pace as she headed around the pool. "Morgan!"

She had just passed the halfway point across the pool when the faint cry of a small child reached her ears. Whipping around, she clenched her gun, her knuckles shining white against the darkness as she strained to see beyond the bushes on the opposite side of the pool.

"FBI!" she called out, her senses on high alert as adrenaline kicked in for her.

A gunshot rang out in the night.

JJ barely had time to register it before a white hot pain erupted in her head, like a thousand knives tearing her open from the inside out. Her gun clattered to the ground as she fell limp, the dark night disappearing from her vision as the world around her folded into nothingness.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Here's the newest chapter. Don't hate me. Love to you all. HAPPY NEW YEAR!**

 **Thanks again to KDMOSP for helping me suss this out!**

 **Disclaimer: As before.**

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His blood ran ice cold the minute he'd heard the shot. It had pierced right through him as though it was he who had been on the receiving end of the bullet, and immediately, he abandoned all thoughts of finding their suspect.

He had to make sure his team was ok.

"Reid, find Lewis and Rossi. Go down to the ground floor near the pool area. Stay in cover until the area is clear. I'm going up to the roof to find Morgan," Hotch instructed quickly, the orders leaving his lips like they were second nature.

"What about JJ?" Reid asked anxiously.

"That shot came from around the pool, I'm sure of it. If JJ has been injured, I'm not sending more of you in to be shot at. We clear the area and only proceed once it's safe to do so," Hotch said firmly. "Do you understand?"

Reid nodded, swallowing thickly before heading for the stairwell. His footsteps echoed behind him long after he had disappeared from sight, and after standing on the spot for a few moments, Hotch followed in his wake.

He was aware that his footsteps were making a great racket on the stairs, but to him, nothing was louder than the incessant pounding of his heart in his ears. A shot had been fired...it sounded much more powerful than those from the guns his team carried. What _if_ JJ was hurt?

She was wearing a vest, he reminded himself. _If_ she had been shot, and judging by the darkness, it was likely the shooter had missed, her vest would protect the largest part of her body. A shot to the limbs was far from deadly, and he forced himself to stop worrying.

Reaching the lobby once more, he kept his gun clenched tightly in his hands as he jogged back out onto the ring road and darted around to his right, heading for the fire escape he knew Morgan had taken up to the roof.

The stairs were old and rickety, and owing to the amount of noise, he couldn't take them as quickly as he would have liked.

"Morgan," he whispered into the radio, realising he would have to compromise now that he couldn't ascend as fast. "Morgan, I'm coming up to the roof"

His earpiece remained dead silent.

Taking a deep breath, he hurried on, ignoring the clatter of his shoes against the metal. His body ached with the muscular burden, but also with the anxiety of not knowing. He had one agent not answering his calls on the radio, and another in the vicinity of gunfire. This was exactly the kind of situation he'd been dreading would come from such a chaotic chase.

Finally reaching the lip of the roof, he heaved himself up on the concrete slab. Over on the central section of the building, he could see Morgan lying on the ground, hardly moving a muscle.

"Morgan," he called out urgently, yet still keeping his voice relatively low. Scurrying across the concrete and around the air-conditioning units, he crouched down beside his fallen team member. Now that he was up closer to Morgan, he realised he was conscious and groaning in pain.

"Hotch...someone...my head...felt like a pipe...gotta get up," he moaned, managing to open his eyes and look up at his boss.

"We need to get downstairs, Morgan, can you stand?" Hotch asked quickly. Morgan nodded slightly, grimacing as Hotch helped him pull himself up to a sitting position. He groaned, holding a hand to the back of his head, but then allowed Hotch to help him to his feet.

He stood for a minute, taking deep breaths and shaking his head gently. After a few moments, he looked up at Hotch and nodded determinedly.

"I'm ok...let's go," he said shakily. Hotch nodded, still concerned for Morgan's wellbeing as they headed back for the stairs.

They were quick to make their way down, Hotch looking back over his shoulder every so often to make sure Morgan was still standing.

"Rossi, any word from JJ?" he muttered into his microphone.

" _None. Aaron, we've scanned the poolside area and there's no sign of movement. I don't think whoever fired the shot would have stuck around, but at the same time, they have the cover of darkness. How far away is our backup?"_

"Local PD were thirty minutes out when we got here, so I'd say fifteen now"

" _We'll wait here for your decision"_

They didn't speak another word to anyone until they were slipping back through the lobby to rejoin the others at the back of the building.

"No signs of movement anywhere Aaron. I can't see JJ or the person who fired the gun," Rossi said as they approached. "You ok Morgan?"

Morgan nodded, swallowing thickly as he secured his grip on his gun.

"If the shooter matches our profile, they wouldn't have stuck around. It draws too much attention; we know for sure someone was here, they won't run the risk. However, we can't know for sure. The darkness is too much of an advantage," Hotch mused.

"But on the other hand, JJ's not responding...how long do you want to wait?" Rossi asked.

Hotch shook his head. "I don't. It's been nearly ten minutes already. I think we need to accept the risk of being shot at...JJ's life is worth more"

Nodding with steely determination, Rossi slid open the huge glass doors that led out to the poolside bar and cabana...or what was left of them.

Keeping to the darkest recesses, they crept out towards the pool. Hotch was the first to step into the open, his gun raised firmly in front of him, his heart racing.

"Is that JJ's gun?" came Reid's voice from behind him.

Dropping his eyes, Hotch's stomach did a horrible turn. Reid was right. That _was_ JJ's gun lying beside the pool.

What the hell was going on?

Without another word, Rossi and Morgan quickly ducked towards the maintenance gate, heading around that side of the pool to clear the vegetation and sun lounge areas that lay beyond. Tara and Reid took off to perform the same task on the other side, leaving Hotch keeping his watchful eye over the central walkway.

It didn't take long before Rossi and Morgan were returning, looking significantly more relaxed.

"No sign of anyone. Where do you suppose JJ's gone?" Rossi asked, his voice rising slightly as the anxiety of the situation began to settle in the pit of his stomach.

"If JJ got shot, why would she run off?" Morgan queried. " _How_ would she run off?"

"What if she didn't get shot? It's black as hell down here, there's no guarantee that whoever fired the gun hit what they were aiming for," Rossi argued back, turning to face the younger man.

Morgan frowned. "What if we're going about this all wrong? What if _JJ_ fired the shot?"

"Then why the hell is her gun lying on the ground?"

"Stop, STOP!" Hotch yelled, holding up his hands. Sirens were fast approaching; the backup they had desperately needed twenty minutes earlier. "All we know is that someone fired a gun, JJ's not here, but her gun is. To me, that means JJ's injured. She wouldn't drop her gun unless she had a very good reason to do so"

"Then where the hell is she, Hotch?" Morgan asked angrily.

Tara returned, striding out of the bushes and around the pool, Reid a few steps behind her.

"No sign of JJ or anyone else anywhere near here," she reported, stopping just beside Morgan as she looked up at Hotch. Blue and red lights were starting to flash faintly in the distance; backup was coming.

"But if JJ's injured, she can't get far. And even if she did take off after whoever shot at her, why didn't she take her gun?" Reid said seriously.

Grimacing as the team argued theory after theory, Hotch pinched the bridge of his nose, willing away the headache that was coming on.

A momentary flash of light caught his attention. His eyes fell to his left, where the tiny beam of light from Morgan's torch was glinting on the slowly rippling surface of the pool.

The knot in the pit of his stomach dropped a little lower.

Throwing down his gun, he pulled his earpiece off and threw it down beside the gun with his ID. With a sudden leap, he dove from the bricks into the fetid water, keeping his eyes firmly shut for fear of being blinded by the filth.

"Hotch!"

The world was quiet beneath the water. Ignoring the slime clinging to the pool floor, he groped his way along the bottom, hoping beyond hope he would feel what he was looking for. The pressure below the water was causing a deep ache in his ears and before too long, his lungs were screaming for air.

Pushing up, his head broke the surface, allowing him to take a great shuddering gasp of air.

"What the hell is he doing?" Morgan asked in disbelief, ignoring the arrival of the local detectives. "This is not the time for a swim!"

Diving back under the surface, Hotch kicked down towards the bottom of the pool, keeping his mouth clamped firmly shut; he couldn't even see the colour of the water, but he knew it wasn't blue.

Groping his way along the pool floor, Hotch nearly leapt out his skin when his hand touched something much colder than the water. Feeling around, his fingers closed around a thin wrist.

That was a person. For sure.

Without another hesitation, he slid his arms beneath the lifeless body, struggling his way up to the surface. It was hard, harder than anything to get her from the pool floor to the surface, but he had to. He had to save JJ.

Reaching the surface, he gasped, trying to draw in air as the team cried out in shock.

"Help me," he choked. "Help me get her out"

"Jesus christ, Hotch, what-" Morgan started but Hotch cut him off.

"I don't know...just get her out," he gasped as Morgan and Rossi slid their arms beneath her and lifted her from Hotch's arms to the bricks at the side of the pool.

"This is Special Agent Lewis with the FBI, we need an ambulance to our current location, we have an agent down!" came Tara's voice, full of fear overing the rising hubbub.

"What happened Agent?" the lead detective asked in disbelief as Hotch hauled himself out of the pool, algae blooms clinging to him all over.

"She's not breathing...no pulse! God damn!" Morgan yelled as Rossi tore away JJ's Kevlar with some difficulty. "Rossi, start compressions!"

"You didn't get here on time is what happened," Hotch growled as Rossi began pounding away on JJ's chest, trying in desperation to get her pulse back.

"Come on girl," Morgan muttered under his breath as he held JJ's head still between his hands. "You've got three boys waiting for you at home, don't give up on me now"

"Hotch...I don't see a bullet wound," Reid said anxiously.

"Detective, shine that light over here," Hotch called, directing the detective away from where he was scanning the perimeter of the pool.

As the light fell on her, her pale skin shone even paler than before. Reid was right...there was no sign of a bullet wound anywhere…

Except…

Glistening on the wet pavement...thick and dark, oozing from beneath JJ's golden hair.

"No," Hotch gasped, carefully pushing away a few strands of JJ's hair to reveal the pool of blood that was gathering quickly beneath her head.

Just behind her right ear, above her hairline, was a gaping hole, blood dripping out at an alarming rate.

"There's no exit wound," he said shakily. "The bullet is lodged in her brain"


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I recommend listening to the London Olympics "Abide With Me" sang by Emeli Sande as you read this.**

 **Thanks again to KDMOSP!**

 **Disclaimer: As before.**

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She stayed silent, watching, waiting. The darkness enveloped her, wrapping itself around the woman she was watching so that all she could see was the faint glow of her pale skin.

With a sound akin to a car backfiring, she watched on, completely helpless as the bullet shredded its way through the agent's skull. She needed to help her. But she couldn't.

A soundless cry escaped her lips as the agent toppled forward and disappeared beneath the black surface of the water. The algae blooms rippled with the disturbance, floating closer to the edge of the pool as she stepped out from behind the bushes and hurried to the edge of the pool.

"JJ," she breathed, looking down at the water.

Without hesitation, she slid off the edge of the pool and dropped below the surface. It was so dark and so dirty that she knew she wouldn't find JJ unless her face was pressed right up against her.

She glided through the filth, searching desperately for a sign of the pale skin that by now was so familiar.

She'd been sent here for a reason, but she wasn't even sure what that reason was. She wanted JJ to fight, she wanted her to win, to show the people who were trying to hurt her that nothing was going to stop her.

And then, through the blooms, she saw a flash of white. Then a ripple of gold. Followed by a clouded ribbon of crimson.

And then, the face of the fallen agent, glowing white in the gloom of the water. She was lying on the bottom of the pool, surrounded by a bed of algae blooms, looking as angelic as one could in two year old pool water.

Cupping JJ's face in her hands, she stared hopelessly at the agent's closed eyes, the blood seeping from the wound behind her ear. She couldn't even feel JJ's skin beneath her hands... she couldn't touch her.

"You were supposed to stay safe," she whispered sadly.

JJ remained motionless, her body drifting slightly with the gentle motion of the water. It had probably been stagnant for months, and now that she had fallen in, it was moving in ripples around her.

Floating up to the surface, she poked her head up, hoping someone was coming.

"I can't save you, JJ. I can't help you," she muttered to herself. She could see a faint torch light inside the building, just behind one of the cabanas. It was clear someone was trying to conceal the beam of light.

"Come on," she groaned. "She's drowning, get your asses out here!"

Yet no-one came.

Ducking back down to where JJ was resting, she grabbed the woman's hands and squeezed them, silently willing her to hold on. She sat there for what felt like hours, but was probably only ten minutes, pleading and pleading with the wounded agent to keep fighting, even though she knew by now that there was no way JJ could still be breathing.

"Someone's coming," she said, knowing it would come true soon. "Someone's coming for you, just... please hang on. Just hold on"

A flash of light across the surface told her that someone had finally ventured out of the hotel in search of their fallen agent. Her heart leapt. Letting go of JJ's hands, she pressed them over the agent's heart. She wasn't sure why... maybe to keep whatever life was left in her from leaving.

Voices, muffled and distorted from underwater, reached her ears. Something about a gun... the gun the agent had dropped.

She watched from just below the surface as four rippled figures ran off in separate directions, leaving one agent standing stoic and scared at the edge of the pool.

"She's down here, please! She's in the pool! Come and get her, you have to help her, she's going to die if you don't get her out!" she shrieked, knowing it was to no avail... no living being could hear her.

If she had been alive, tears would have leaked from her eyes, so much was her distress.

"HURRY UP!" she screamed, turning back towards JJ and clutching the woman's face between her hands again. "Hold on, they're coming for you"

She didn't register what was going on above the pool, but as she sat there, pleading with JJ to hang on, a loud splash met her ears, followed by the rushing of the water around her.

Someone had leapt in, obviously fearing the worst.

"Come on, faster!" she begged, moving away from JJ as the noise of water being forcefully pushed away drew closer.

Finally she saw him. The agent who had looked so scared as he stood on the edge of the pool. His eyes were closed firmly to protect against the filth, his hands groping around on the slime covered pool floor. She watched, breathing a sigh of relief as his hands found JJ's, as he lifted her into his arms and took her up to the surface.

She followed, her head breaking the surface as the ruckus grew. The man's colleagues were in shock, gathering around their fallen teammate, one of them already starting CPR.

Sensing eyes on her, she turned to her left, looking out towards the bushes lining the poolside area.

Her eyes fell on JJ.

She was standing just in front of the bushes, watching as her team did everything they could to save her life.

When JJ turned slightly, their eyes meeting, she gasped, ducking back below the water.

She hadn't wanted JJ to see her. She had wanted JJ to fight.

And make her fight, she would.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: This one is a little shorter. Hope you enjoy anyway!**

 **Disclaimer: As before.**

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The medics had arrived, and the ruckus had only increased. Garcia had called Morgan, having not heard from the team for some time, only to hear the news that JJ was injured. Morgan hadn't told her the severity of the injury, following strict orders from Hotch.

It had been almost twenty five minutes since they had pulled JJ out of the water and Hotch was feeling sick to his stomach. Beyond thirty minutes, JJ's hopes of surviving were slim.

'Well,' he thought, 'they're already slim now'

The paramedics had taken over breathing for JJ with the mask and bag, and had also put a cervical collar on her to protect her spine in case the bullet had damaged her spinal cord. Hotch had felt that that was a bit pointless; the bullet had already lodged itself in her brain. The damage was done.

"Come on girl," Morgan begged. "Come on. Don't you dare give up on us now"

"We've got a MediVac standing by to take her to Georgetown if they can get a pulse," Tara said shakily as she came up behind Hotch, who was crouched on the ground, dripping wet and shivering in the wind.

"I shouldn't have sent her around on her own," he said weakly.

"Hotch, whoever did this had a long range night vision scope. Even if someone had gone with her, someone would have still ended up shot," Tara said gently, placing a hand on her boss' shoulder.

No sooner had Tara finished speaking than a horrific gurgling sound came from JJ. The medic who was breathing for her quickly removed the mask, helping his partner and Rossi roll JJ onto her side. They watched, stunned, as what seemed like half the pool water poured from JJ's mouth, as well as the contents of her stomach (at least, they hoped it was vomit, not algae bloom).

When it finally stopped, they laid her back down, checking for a pulse once more. Rossi's hands were positioned over her chest again, ready to start compressions.

"Hey! HEY! We have a pulse, it's weak and thready, but it's there!" the medic said exuberantly. He looked up at Hotch, his face grave despite his voice. "She's fighting to breath, but she's not stable for transport. We need to intubate her in order to hold her airway, otherwise we can't move her by air, and time is limited right now"

"Do what you have to do," Hotch commanded, standing up as someone threw a blanket around his shoulders.

It was a blur. First they were tubing her... then she was covered in blankets, placed on a backboard, and lifted to the gurney.

The team joined the band of people fighting to get down the maintenance path; the two medics went first, followed by the BAU agents, with the lead detective and SWAT leader close behind.

Hotch didn't register anymore conversations, anymore actions. All he registered was climbing into the helicopter beside JJ, and watching as the lights of DC grew smaller and smaller below them.

He silently prayed that JJ was going to be alright. Even though he knew it was slim, he needed to get her back to her boys safely.

He owed her that much.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: New chapter!**

 **So guys, I've been nominated for five awards in the 2015 Profiler's Choice Awards and it would mean the absolute world to me if you could head over and cast your votes in the ballot! Of course, while I would love you all to vote for me (shameless plug), there are so many amazing stories in this year's ballot that I know the choice isn't easy!**

 **So go participate, every vote counts!**

 **Enjoy this chapter! Or...well...maybe not so much.**

 **Disclaimer: As before.**

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Numbness had set in.

He sat on that hard plastic chair, the blanket falling from his left shoulder as he waited and waited for any shred of news. Clutched in his hands were JJ's ID and her phone; the ID had been returned to him by the doctors, and Morgan had handed him her phone upon arriving at the hospital.

Glancing down at her phone, his chest tightened painfully. He knew he had to call Will and let him know that JJ had been hurt. But he didn't know what to tell him.

 _JJ's hurt. You need to get to the hospital._

 _Will, JJ's seriously injured. You should get here as soon as you can._

 _Will, your wife's been shot in the head and almost drowned._

Swallowing thickly, he dropped his head to his hands. At the same time, JJ's phone rang out loudly, startling him back up.

Will's face filled the screen, and Hotch's heart sank like a rock. Rising shakily from his chair, he walked away from the watchful eyes of the team, the blanket dragging slightly on the floor behind him.

Sliding his thumb across the screen, he'd barely lifted the phone to his ear when Will started speaking.

"JJ, oh thank god, there was something on the news, I was worried you got hurt-"

"Will," Hotch cut in softly, and in the silence that followed, he could sense the colour draining from the Southerner's face.

"Hotch," Will whispered, his voice suddenly filled with fear that Hotch had never heard before. "Where's JJ?"

Hotch took a deep breath, sinking into a nearby chair as he tried to figure out how he was going to get Will to the hospital without freaking him out.

"Will," he said again. "JJ...JJ got hurt. We're at Georgetown Hospital..."

His words caught in his throat and he couldn't speak any longer.

"Is she going to be alright?" Will asked.

Emotion was rising in his chest like a waking lion, but he fought to hold it back. Swallowing thickly, Hotch steadied the shaking hand holding the phone to his ear.

"I think you should get here as soon as you can," he said softly.

The silence on the other end of the line told him that Will had understood. He just wished that there wasn't anything that Will needed to understand.

* * *

After leaving the peacefully sleeping Henry and Michael with the neighbour, Will had arrived at the hospital looking completely dishevelled. He was pale and nervous looking. Hotch couldn't blame him: they all felt exactly the same.

They had sat in the chairs for what felt like hours, Will getting up every now and then to pace, but with each minute that passed, they all felt considerably worse.

Until finally...

"Agent Jareau?"

Hotch and Will both leapt to their feet, the rest of the team following suit.

As they approached the doctor, Hotch noticed the grave expression on his face, the way he was clutching his clipboard a little too tightly.

His insides shrivelled into a painful ball. In no way was this going to be good.

But then again, what had he been expecting? JJ had been shot in the head and deprived of oxygen for almost half an hour; it wasn't like they were going to come out and tell them all she needed was aspirin and rest.

"Woah," the doctor said softly as the seven of them walked up to him. "Maybe...maybe we should go somewhere a little more private?"

Hotch nodded, as Will seemed incapable of responding. Turning to the team, he took a deep breath.

"Wait here," he said quietly. "I'll relay everything afterwards. This isn't going to be great news, I don't want us overwhelming the doctor"

Morgan nodded, immediately retreating to his seat. No sooner had Garcia sat down beside him than the doctor was leading Hotch and Will into a small meeting room down the hall.

Closing the door behind them, the doctor turned to face the two men.

"I'm Dr Yates...I attended to Jennifer from the moment she was brought in," he started.

"Can you...can you just tell us...whether she's going to be ok?" Will said suddenly, surprising Hotch. He had barely spoken since arriving at the hospital.

Yates let out a heavy sigh.

"I think you should sit down"

"I'm fine standing," Will said defiantly.

Yates nodded understandingly. "Gentlemen...there's really no easy way to say this, so I'm going to cut straight to the point"

Hotch took a deep breath, preparing himself to hear those words he never wanted to have to process.

"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this...but Jennifer isn't going to wake up," Yates said as gently as he could manage. "She was deprived of oxygen for far too long, and as a result, her neuro function has shut down. She is, as you say, brain dead"

Hotch chanced a glance over at Will, noting the Southerner's tightened jaw and clenched fists. He would've thought Will was going to hit the doctor, had it not been for the tears growing rapidly in his eyes.

"There's nothing you can do?" Will asked in a strangled voice.

Yates shook his head. "Unfortunately no. Even without the oxygen deprivation, Jennifer's chances of survival were slim. The bullet embedded in her brain passed just shy of the respiratory center. She would never have been able to breathe on her own again"

Will was blinking rapidly, his eyes falling to the floor as he fought for something to say. Finding nothing, he instead stormed out of the room, wrenching the door open so forcefully it bounced off the wall to which it was hinged.

Hotch slowly sank into a seat at the table, his eyes falling to his hands.

"Agent...we have Jennifer on life support, until such time as her next of kin is ready to turn it off. It will give you all a chance to say a proper goodbye," Yates said gently.

Hotch nodded numbly. Sadness was washing over his body like an out of control ocean wave.

One of his team. Just gone.

Four hours ago he had been sitting in an SUV, grinning as he listened to JJ and Morgan chiding each other in the backseat. His stoic demeanour had dropped when Morgan playfully attempted to imitate Will's accent, sending JJ into peels of laughter.

He'd had no idea that that had been the last time he was ever going to hear JJ's laugh. Or that 'copy that' were the last words he would ever hear her say.

His thoughts turned to her two little boys. They were safe in their beds, asleep and dreaming, having fallen asleep to the knowledge that their mom was going to be there in the morning to kiss their cheeks and make them pancakes.

All they would wake up to now was a distraught father, bringing them to say goodbye to their mother.

"Thank you," Hotch choked out. "For everything"

"We did everything we could, Agent"


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Another chapter because I'm in an angsty mood. Hahaha.**

 **Disclaimer: As before.**

* * *

Leaving the conference room in a daze, Hotch walked back towards the waiting room where he knew the team were hanging for whatever scrap of news they could get. It was like he was on autopilot; his feet simply carried him to where he knew he needed to go.

He stopped at the end of the hallway, where it opened out into the waiting room. He stood there, helpless as one by one, the team rose to their feet and approached him.

They stood in complete silence for a moment, their hearts sinking as they took in the crestfallen face of their leader, but none of them dared to believe it.

"Hotch?" Garcia asked softly, her voice cracking as she spoke. Her eyes were wet with the tears she'd been crying since first hearing the news.

Too afraid to open his mouth, Hotch simply shook his head, his eyes never leaving the floor. JJ's phone was still clutched in his hand. He had forgotten to return it to Will.

"You mean...?" Morgan started, his voice trailing off. No-one wanted to voice it.

Saying it out loud only made it real.

Hotch nodded, finally taking a breath and looking up at their horrified faces.

"Brain death. She...never stood a chance after she was shot," he explained, a sick feeling settling in the pit of his stomach as he voiced the words out loud. "We need...we need to say our goodbyes"

Garcia's wail of despair drowned out any further comments. She collapsed into the nearest chair, sobbing as Morgan sank down beside her, his arms finding their way around her shoulders.

"Will went that way, if you're looking for him," Rossi breathed, pointing towards the ambulance bay yet remaining rooted to the spot as the rest of the team filtered away to begin processing what their leader had just told them.

Hotch nodded, turning and walking in the direction Rossi had just pointed. Will had two boys he needed to get through the difficult days to come. He knew the younger man needed to grieve, but he also couldn't let him crack up under the despair. Henry and Michael were going to need their father more than ever.

Pushing open the swinging doors that led out to the ambulance bay, Hotch discovered it was raining. Drops of water were falling from the sky with such vigour that Hotch felt like they were opening holes in his skin.

Tucking JJ's phone into his pocket, he glanced out across the bay. It didn't take him long to spot Will, who was crouched in the corner on the opposite side of the bay, partially hidden from view by the dumpsters.

Stepping out into the downpour, Hotch half jogged across the concrete to where the Southerner was sitting against the wall, his head buried in his hands.

"Why did it have to happen like this?" Will asked in a tear thickened voice, startling Hotch; he hadn't realised Will knew he was there.

Sighing heavily, Hotch sat slowly down beside Will, ignoring the fact that he was soaked to the bone. When they'd just lost a beloved friend, being a little wet didn't matter anymore.

He'd felt pain like this before. To a different extent. When Hayley had died, he had decided that the small things didn't matter anymore. It had taken him years to overcome that thought process, to remember that sometimes the small things made the greatest memories in the world.

It was a lesson Will was going to have to learn as well.

"I'm sorry," he said suddenly. "I sent her around on her own...if someone had been with her-"

"You'd have two agents on their deathbeds," Will choked. "I just...why did it have to be JJ? Why couldn't it have been a SWAT guy we barely know? No, I know that's awful to wish it on someone else... I-"

And just like that, he burst into tears.

Knowing there was nothing he could say or do at that point in time to bring some kind of comfort to Will, Hotch slowly removed JJ's phone from his pocket. Clicking the home button, a stab of pain pierced his heart as a picture of JJ and her boys illuminated the screen. Michael was looking up at his mom with an expression of love only a toddler could master, while Henry was laughing at something beyond the camera, probably Will's facial expression.

It was an imperfect moment, captured forever in a perfect way.

Without speaking, Hotch pressed the phone into Will's hand, distracting the Southerner from his grief for just a moment.

Will stared at it for a moment, before a few more tears rolled down his cheeks with the rain; he had recognised JJ's phone case.

He too lit up the screen, his thumb tracing the edge of JJ's face as the rain hammered down on the ground around them.

"I think you should go home and get the boys," Hotch said quietly, his voice wavering slightly. He hated that this was happening. That someone could so easily fire a bullet and rip their lives apart. None of them would ever be the same. They thought they'd lost Emily. Now they knew they'd lost JJ.

"I will," Will said tearfully, tucking JJ's phone into the pocket of his jeans. "I will, I just... I need to see her first... I need to spend some time alone with her"

Hotch nodded. "Take all the time you need, Will... this isn't going to be an easy process"

Swallowing thickly, Will leant back against the wall, tipping his face up to the sky as he allowed the rain drops to land on his skin.

"She's just gone, Hotch. She's just...gone. How can someone just be gone?"

Hotch was at a loss.

He'd never found the answer to that question himself.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Sooooo, I had my first car accident today and I think my car is a write-off. Bye bye new laptop, I need a new car first. I'm fine by the way. My car is not.**

 **Disclaimer: As before.**

* * *

She walked silently along the halls of the hospital, barely making a sound as she weaved her way around huddles of doctors, families waiting for news...yet no-one noticed her come, and no-one noticed her go.

She didn't know where she was going, but somehow her feet carried her in the direction she needed to go. It was like there was a ball of light inside her, guiding her towards her final destination.

Up ahead, she could see the corridor opening out into a wide space, where people sat huddled on the chairs. It was early hours of the morning from what she could tell, and rain had been hammering down outside for so long that she was wondering how they weren't underwater yet.

As she reached the end of the hall, a group of familiar faces met her eyes. But none of them were looking at her. In fact...the one who was looking at her appeared to be staring right through her.

"Hotch," she breathed, taking a few short steps before falling to her knees in front of her boss, who she now noted was drenched from head to toe. "Hotch, I'm sorry...I didn't know...I didn't know he was there"

But Hotch continued staring at the same spot on the wall, seemingly unable to hear her.

"Hotch!" she said louder, and then she turned, looking around.

At the opposite end of the waiting room was the face she'd been searching for most of all.

She leapt to her feet, practically running to the other end of the room and collapsing in front of the broken image of her husband. He was alone in the darker end of the room, hunched over in his chair with an expression that she knew to be one of deep sadness.

"Will," she said softly, reaching up and cupping his face in her hands. He never flinched. He never made so much as one movement to indicate that he knew she was there.

"Will," she pleaded a little more desperately, tears welling in her eyes. "Please, Will, I'm right here"

"He can't hear you, JJ"

Snapping around, JJ's eyes widened when she saw her sister standing before her. The sister she knew to be dead.

That meant...was she dead as well?

"What the hell are you doing here?"

Rosaline smirked. "I could ask you the same question"

Anger bubbled in JJ's stomach like lava. "Don't you dare. You don't get to reprimand me for getting injured in my line of work when YOU were selfish enough to take a blade to your own wrist at seventeen!"

"How many times has Will asked you to pick a safer job? Has it ever occurred to you that he has asked you that because of how much he loves you? How much it would hurt for him to lose you? And look at where you are now," Rosaline said coolly, taking a step towards her little sister, her head held high as she folded her arms across her chest.

"He knows how much my job means to me," JJ growled. "I knowingly accept the risk of getting hurt because in the meantime, I'm helping to make the world a better place for me and my family, much unlike yourself"

"My world could never have been a better place"

"YOU WERE SEVENTEEN!" JJ cried. "You have NEVER experienced the real world, you don't know what it's like! I'm trying to make the world a better place for Henry and Michael, who, thanks to your selfishness, will never meet their aunt or their grandfather!It's your fault that Dad's gone, the grief of losing you was what killed him, not the cancer!"

Sinking onto a chair, JJ took a deep breath as she dropped her head into her hands.

"Why are you here, Roz? To tell me I have a choice?"

"No," Rosaline said softly. "I'm here to tell you that you don't have one"

JJ looked up, her blue eyes suddenly wide and fearful as she looked at her older sister.

"What?" she asked in disbelief.

"You're going to die, JJ. There's no other way," Rosaline said.

"No...no...I have to have a choice...you're lying!" JJ spat, rising up from the seat so suddenly that Rosaline stepped back.

"You have to have a choice? For what, JJ? To live life as a vegetable? Because that is your best case scenario if you survive. No amount of messages from heaven are going to undo the shredded, oxygen deprived mess that is your brain!" Rosaline cried.

"Fuck you Roz! Fuck you!" JJ yelled, turning and storming away from her sister as the emotion threatened to overwhelm her.

She didn't get a choice.

But everyone got a choice. Everyone got to choose whether they wanted to live or die.

Why was she different?

"You can't run from me, JJ"

Leaping back, JJ looked up to find Rosaline standing in front of her. Her eyes narrowed and her fists curled into tight balls.

"Leave me the hell alone!"

Ignoring JJ's protests, Rosaline reached out and took JJ's hands, pulling her down the hallway towards a room with glass doors. The white print on the door read **INTENSIVE CARE UNIT – ROOM 237**.

Beyond the door, what JJ saw made her gasp.

Her own lifeless form lay beneath the pristine sheets of the hospital bed. A thick tube in her mouth, clearly supplying the oxygen she so lacked, joined the other throngs of endless tubes and wires running from her body to the machines keeping her alive.

"They'll keep you like this until Will or Mom turns off the machines. The bullet shredded through your brain, and the fact you nearly drowned has left you brain dead. You're not going to wake up, JJ. You're already dead"

A soundless cry escaped JJ's lips as she sank to the floor in front of the door. Breathless sobs were wracking her body, and it felt like she couldn't get any air into her lungs. Tears were running freely down her cheeks as she fought to tear her eyes away from the broken form of her old body.

"It's not supposed to end like this," she gasped. "This isn't how I was supposed to die"

"You don't get much of a choice, JJ. I wanted to take it back, I wanted to live from the moment I slit my wrist...but the damage was done and the choice was made. The same thing happened when you took that path down the side of the hotel tonight. It might not have been your choice, but the minute you closed that gate behind you...your fate was sealed"

"Why are you here?" JJ sobbed.

"I was told to watch over you. To make sure you knew you weren't going to come out of this. To help you finish your journey"

No more words found their way past her lips. Completely broken, JJ collapsed against the glass, sobbing the fractured tears of a woman who longed so desperately for a second chance.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: No word on whether my car is going to be written off. I certainly hope not, I can't afford a new one, so please pray that the insurance will repair it!**

 **Disclaimer: As before.**

* * *

His lungs could barely draw in air as he stood outside the intensive care room in which JJ was being looked after.

She looked so peaceful, she might have been sleeping, if it were not for the multitude of tubes and wires so clearly keeping her alive.

He had called her mother. Sandy had known from the second she'd picked up the phone that something had happened to JJ, and Will breaking down in tears had only confirmed her worst fears. She had tried to console him over the phone, but all she could offer was that she was on her way to the airport to get the first flight to DC.

Managing to draw in a deep breath, Will slid the door open, stepping into the room and closing it behind him.

His legs carried him automatically over to the bed, but he was too afraid to touch his wife. Scared that she might break, scared that if he touched her, she would already be ice cold.

"How could this happen to you?" he whispered, collapsing into the chair by the bed.

He didn't know what he expected. For JJ to sit up and defend her job as righteously as she had always done was his most likely hope.

But she lay there, as as still as ever, the rhythmic hiss of the ventilator and the beeping of the monitors all that could be heard in the room.

As he finally forced himself to look at JJ's face, the tears broke free once more, and he lifted his hand to wrap it around her much smaller one.

"I don't know what I'm going to do without you, JJ. I want to be angry at you, but I can't. We knew how dangerous your job could be, but I've always known I could never have asked you to change to something else. Your job was part of who you are, and you worked so hard to make this world a better place for our boys"

Sniffling, he choked back a sob as he placed his other hand gently on the top of JJ's head.

"You were our world. The glue that held us together. I don't know how I'm going to go on without you, but I will...I'll do it for our boys...I'll make sure they grow up knowing how brave you were and how beautiful you are. We were supposed to have forever, Jennifer Jareau, and by some cruel twist of fate, that's been stolen away from us, but I can promise you one thing. I will _never_ stop loving you"

Dropping his head down at the side of the mattress, he squeezed JJ's hand as his body shook with sobs.

"You're the best thing that has ever happened to me, beautiful. Our boys are the greatest gifts you've given me, and I won't let them forget you. I promise that much"

On the other side of the glass, JJ sobbed openly, her hands pressed up against the door as she watched her husband crying over her lifeless form.

She'd never seen him so broken, and that alone was tearing her heart in two.

Whirling around, she swung a wild punch at Rosaline, who she knew was still standing behind her. Her fist connected with Rosaline's cheek with enough force to knock the older blonde from her feet, but Rosaline barely winced.

"What are you doing, JJ?" Rosaline sighed.

"If you weren't dead, I would kill you!" JJ yelled, throwing Rosaline into the opposite wall. "How the fucking hell can I not have a choice, EVERYONE HAS A CHOICE!"

"You don't. You are _brain dead_ , JJ. You are not waking up," Rosaline said slowly. "The sooner you get a grip on that, the sooner you can get a move on with this"

"Look at what this is doing to him!" JJ spat, her eyes bright with tears as she gestured towards Will. "LOOK!"

"You did that to him," Rosaline said calmly.

"No I FUCKING DIDN'T!" JJ cried. "I didn't choose to get shot in the fucking head! I didn't walk out there and ask for someone to shoot me! I was doing my FUCKING JOB!"

"You-"

"YOU DON'T GET TO REPRIMAND ME ROZ, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK IF YOU'RE OLDER, I LIVED SO MUCH LONGER ON THIS EARTH AND I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LIVE IN THE REAL WORLD! WILL AND I KNEW THE RISKS AND ACCEPTED THEM AND YOU DO NOT GET TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I DID SOMETHING WRONG BY DOING WHAT I PLEDGED TO DO!"

"JJ, stop!" Rosaline said suddenly, reaching out to grab JJ's shoulders.

And then, with the force of being hit by a freight train, something erupted in JJ's chest. She screamed, clutching her chest before falling to the floor.

And there she lay, completely lifeless at her older sister's feet.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Hope you like this update!**

 **Disclaimer: As before.**

* * *

The mundane beeping that had previously filled the room had given way to the screech of alarms. Will barely had time to register that something wasn't right before he was shoved out of the way as doctors and nurses filled the room. He looked up at the monitors besides JJ's bed, and was overcome with fear to see that her heart beat had become nothing more than a flat line.

"No," he gasped. "Please...please save her...I can't...please"

"Mr LaMontagne, your wife is going into cardiac arrest. Do you want us to use whatever measures necessary to keep Jennifer's heart and lungs working?" Dr Yates called over the ruckus as the ventilator was disconnected to be replaced by a bag.

"Yes...I'm not ready to say goodbye...her sons need to say goodbye," Will choked out.

The doctor had barely nodded when someone took Will's arm and gently coaxed him out of the room. He turned to see a kind faced nurse, who led him to stand just outside the door.

"It'll be better if you wait here," she said gently. "It gives them more room to work"

Will stood at the door, tears tracking down his cheeks as he watched them administer medications and start compressions to try and bring JJ back to a stable condition.

He knew it was selfish. JJ wasn't going to wake up, and he knew that. But he was not ready to say goodbye. Not to mention the boys hadn't even had a chance to come and give her one last cuddle.

He didn't want to let them grow up having not had the chance to say goodbye.

It was the most agonising fifteen minutes of his life as he watched the medical team work, but finally, he was able to breathe as he watched the line on the monitor spring back to life. The pace within the room began to slow, and slowly, nurses began to filter out.

Seeing that Yates was now adjusting tubes and wires while the one remaining nurse checked the readout from one of JJ's monitors, Will slowly re-entered the room, wiping the tears from his cheeks as he did.

"Is she...is she ok?" he asked.

Yates turned, his face grave.

"Will, you know that Jennifer isn't going to wake up," he said gently. Will nodded. "But yes...she's stable"

"I know she can't come back...I'm just...I know it's selfish...but I'm not ready to let her go yet," Will admitted tearfully. "We have two little boys...they need to come and kiss her goodbye"

Yates nodded, placing a reassuring hand on Will's shoulder. "I understand that. You're not the first, and, unfortunately, you certainly won't be the last family to go through this. I truly am terribly sorry for what you're going through, and I wish we could have done more"

"I know," Will choked out.

"If there's anything any of us can do for you and your family, please just let us know," Yates offered.

"Thank you," Will breathed, remaining rooted to the spot as Yates looked over at his patient once more before leaving the room, the young nurse in tow.

He knew JJ didn't have much longer before the rest of her body failed her as well. He knew he had to go and get Henry and Michael and bring them to the hospital to see their mom.

Walking over to the bed, he leaned over and kissed JJ's forehead.

"I'm going home to get your boys," he said softly, stroking the top of her head with a gentle caress. "Just hang on tight for me darlin'. Your boys need to see you"

Closing his eyes, he pressed one last kiss to her forehead before straightening up and slowly heading out of the room. He looked back at the last moment, taking a deep breath before he pushed the button to open the door, and left the room.

* * *

Standing in the doorway of Henry's room, Will hated himself for having to wake up the two boys.

They had fallen asleep content and happy, believing that the morning would bring hugs, kisses, and maybe even some waffles from their mom. They had fallen asleep believing that when the sun rose the next morning, both of their parents would be there to play with them and give them all the love they needed.

Instead, they were awaking to a nightmare. They were awaking in a world where their mom was no longer there to hug them tight, kiss their scrapes, and brush away their tears.

Heaving a defeated sigh, Will stepped into the room, crouching down by Henry's bed. The sun was barely starting to come up. He'd been at the hospital for hours and it had easily been the worst night of his life.

Brushing Henry's hair out of his face, he forced himself to smile as the young boy began to stir.

"Mom?" he said groggily, rubbing his eyes as he wriggled his way out of the covers.

"No, buddy, it's Dad," Will said softly.

"Why so early?" Henry yawned, his half sentence barely making it past his lips. "Still dark"

"I know, bud, I'm sorry. I need you to get up and get dressed for me. Can you do that while I go wake up your brother?" Will asked.

Henry nodded, yawning again as he slowly sat up. To his surprise, his dad suddenly pulled him into a warm hug, kissing his temple as he did so. Instead of questioning it, Henry tiredly reciprocated the hug, before pulling away to go and get dressed.

Leaving his son to get ready, Will crossed the hallway and headed into Michael's room. The toddler proved not as easy to wake, reluctant to start his day earlier than was needed, and so it was with a heavy heart that Will dressed his young son and carried his tired little body from the room.

"Dad why are we up so early?" Henry mumbled as they descended the stairs a few minutes later.

Will sighed. Henry was going to find out sooner or later.

Taking his son's hand, he led him into the lounge room, where he sat down on the couch, lifting Michael into his lap as he beckoned for Henry to sit beside him.

"Henry...I'm taking you and your brother to the hospital today...because...because your momma got hurt last night while she was working," he started slowly.

"Is she gonna be ok?" Henry asked, suddenly more awake.

Will took a deep breath. "Well...no...Henry...your mom was hurt really badly... and it's time for her to go to heaven"

The effect was immediate. Henry's face crumpled as his little eyes welled up with tears. Michael was oblivious, laying his head on his dad's shoulder as he fought off yet another yawn.

"We have to go and say goodbye," Will finished, pulling Henry into a hug.

"I don't want to," Henry sobbed.

Will swallowed back tears, kissing Henry's head.

"I know, buddy. Neither do I"


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: This one's a sad one, but I apologise if some parts feel rushed or don't make sense, I'm so tired I think I'm losing my grip.**

 **Disclaimer: As before.**

* * *

He had taken it upon himself to sit by JJ's bedside while Will was away, making sure no further harm came to the agent they had so tragically lost.

To Hotch, it was unbelievable that only twelve hours ago, JJ had been alive and well. They had all been working late, preparing a profile of their unsub, none the wiser that in just a few hours, their lives would be turned completely upside down.

He had sent the rest of the team home on strict orders to rest. He knew they wouldn't get any sleep, but he also knew they had had one of the worst nights of their lives. Spending any longer in the waiting room than they already had was only going to make things worse, and therefore, Rossi had convinced them to join him back at his mansion. Morgan, however, had steadfastly refused to leave, choosing instead to pace the hospital hallways.

Hotch knew he was hoping for a miracle. They all were.

But he knew they weren't going to get it.

Sighing, Hotch squeezed JJ's hand comfortingly before rising from the chair.

"I'll be back. Morgan's right outside," he said softly, running a hand through his hair. Bringing it back down past his cheek, he grimaced at the stubble that had already grown there. Surely that was from the stress of the night just gone.

He walked silently from the room, passing Morgan in the hall without a word spoken between the two.

He desperately needed a coffee. Or a stiff drink. Something to wash away the horror of the ordeal they had just been and were still going through.

Looking up as he re-entered the waiting room, he stopped short when his eyes landed on a very familiar woman with blonde hair who was standing in the corner of the room looking very forlorn.

JJ's mother.

"Mrs Jareau?" he asked softly.

Sandy's eyes flew up, and almost immediately, she sprung into action.

"What happened? Is JJ ok?" she started as she crossed the room in a hurry. "Where's Will gone? How badly hurt is JJ?"

But before Hotch could get a word in edgewise, her tears had broken free and she had thrown her arms around him. Surprised, but understanding, Hotch reciprocated the gesture, knowing all she needed was comfort. He knew she already knew JJ wasn't ok...but he wanted to give her a little longer to believe that there was a chance her daughter would come home.

* * *

Being greeted by JJ's mother as he had re-entered the intensive care waiting area had thrown Will off guard. He had two sleepy boys, one of whom had cried and sniffled all the way to the hospital, and all he had been planning to do was to take the boys to spend time with their mom before having to explain to Sandy what had happened.

"Hotch told me everything," she said quietly, her eyes red with tears.

"I'm sorry," Will whispered as Henry clung to his hand.

Sandy shook her head. "Don't be sorry... we knew it was a possibility"

Will swallowed thickly. "You can go in and sit with her after I take the boys in-"

He was interrupted by Sandy shaking her head.

"I can't," she choked out, her voice catching in her throat as her eyes welled dangerously with tears. "I can't see her like that. I need... I have to preserve the memory of JJ as she lived... I've outlived both of my children. My last memory of Rosaline was her bleeding on our bathroom floor... I don't want my last memory of my baby girl to be her hooked to a dozen machines keeping her alive"

Will nodded understandingly, the tears stinging his eyes as the reality of Sandy's words hit him. With a noncommittal nod towards the hallway, he lifted Michael a little higher onto his hip before leading Henry through the room. He passed the nurses desk, ignoring the sad looks of the staff as he took the boys down the hallway to JJ's room.

"Now, Henry," he said thickly as they approached. "Your momma is hooked to a lot of machines to keep her heart and lungs working properly. But that doesn't mean she can get better. The doctors are helping her stay here long enough for us to tell her how much we love her"

Henry let out a quiet sob, his grip on his father's hand tightening.

"But I don't want you to be scared, buddy. She's still Mom. She's just... hurt," Will finished.

They had reached JJ's room. He stopped outside the glass door, taking a deep breath before letting go of Henry's hand and pushing the button. He took his son's hand once more as the door whirred open, and began walking into the room.

He had just stepped past the threshold when he felt Henry's hand slide out of his grip. Turning, he found Henry standing in the doorway, his small hands wrapped tightly either side of the frame.

"Come on Henry...I'm sure you want to see your momma," Will said thickly, starting to carry Michael over to the bed.

Henry shook his head determinedly, his eyes wide and bright, a stark contrast to his paling face. He clung to the doorframe, his little frame shaking as he watched his father walk over and set Michael down on the bed.

"Give your momma a lil' cuddle, Mikey," he said gently, swallowing thickly to abate his own tears as Michael tucked his head into the curve of JJ's neck. One of his little hands wound into his mother's blonde hair, his other finding its way to her chest.

"'ove Momma," he cooed, his chubby little hand repeatedly patting JJ's collarbone as his father turned away to wipe his tears from his cheeks. "'ove Momma"

"Come on Henry," Will said softly, his voice wavering dangerously. "You need to say goodbye"

Henry shook his head, his face crumpling up as he started to cry.

"I don't want to say goodbye," he sobbed. "I want Mom to come home"

The pain in his chest was demanding to be felt, but Will walked back over to his son, kneeling in front of him and placing his hands on his shoulders.

"Mom can't come home, buddy. She got hurt too badly, and she has to go to heaven. And it's ok to be sad about that, it's ok to cry," he said gently, pushing Henry's hair out of his eyes.

"But why," Henry cried, fat tears rolling down his cheeks.

"Because there are bad people in this world, and one of those bad people wanted to hurt your momma"

Henry said nothing, wiping his running nose on his sleeve.

"Come on son. It's time to say goodbye," Will said gently, lifting Henry up to his hip as he stood up. Henry clutched at him, still sobbing as his father carried him over to his mother's bedside.

Michael was still cuddled beside his mother, his tired eyes drooping closed as he kept his hand resting over JJ's heart.

"Here you go," Will said gently, starting to put Henry down. Henry shook his head, protesting as he clung desperately to Will's shoulder.

"No, no," he cried, his little eyes already red and puffy from crying.

"What's the matter?" Will asked softly, lowering himself into the chair beside JJ's bed. "Are you afraid?"

Henry nodded timidly, tucking his head beneath Will's chin.

"Don't be scared, buddy. These machines are breathing and doing all the hard work for your mom, so that way, she can be here long enough to hear our goodbyes, and so we can tell her how much we love her," Will said softly. "I think your momma would feel better about going to heaven if she got a kiss and a cuddle from you"

"Can I talk to her?" Henry asked tearfully.

"Of course you can, buddy"

Standing up once more, Will carefully set Henry down beside JJ, watching as Henry lightly placed his hand on his mother's.

"I'm gonna miss you Mom," he managed before he burst into another flood of tears. Caving in to his apprehension, he laid his head down on JJ's shoulder, cuddling up to her side as he looked across at his now sleeping baby brother. His arm went across her midsection as his tears fell to the shoulder of her hospital gown.

Will sat back in the chair, burying his face in his hands as the tears he'd been holding in all day came flooding out.

Out of everyone that could've been shot...why had it had to be JJ? His beautiful JJ?

He felt sick for thinking that he wished it had been one of the others. He loved JJ's team like a family, and while he was glad that they were ok, he wished JJ was too.

He couldn't believe that this was it. This was how it ended. He had known JJ getting hurt badly was a very real chance with her job… but he had never imagined that one day he would be bringing their two young sons to the hospital to say goodbye.

All the happy memories were flooding back to him now. The sound of her laugh, the way her eyes lit up when she smiled… the first few moments of Henry and Michael's lives, the day he had married her… they were racing back to him with such voracity that they were tearing him apart from the inside out.

Looking up towards the bed where JJ lay lifeless with her sons at her side, Will's heart gave a painful tug.

He hated seeing her like that. Pale and still, with that wretched tube in her throat...this wasn't how his beautiful wife was supposed to die. It hurt terribly, seeing her lying there looking as though she was sleeping, but knowing she could never open her eyes again, that he was never going to hear the sound of her voice again.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: Sorry this took so long!**

* * *

Penelope's hands shook as she pushed on the door handle, sliding it open just enough to slip inside the room.

Morgan put a hand to her shoulder, squeezing it reassuringly as she took a deep breath.

"I don't know if I can do this," she said in a shaky voice, her eyes glued to the lifeless form of her best friend.

"Yes you can," Morgan said gently. "She's your best friend. You need to say goodbye"

Swallowing thickly, Penelope steeled herself, pulling away from Morgan and walking slowly into the room. Morgan slid the door closed behind her, shutting off all the sounds outside the walls. The steady beep of JJ's heart only brought tears to Penelope's eyes; she didn't want to believe it was a machine keeping her friend alive.

She slowly crossed the room, lowering herself into the armchair and sitting rigidly in it, her eyes frozen on her friend.

And then she broke.

The tears came like a flood, in great big gasping breaths that she couldn't draw in all the way. Her heart was tearing completely in two, and she didn't know how to make it stop.

"You guys are all I have left," she sobbed as she reached out and clutched JJ's hand in her own. "You are the sister I always wanted... and now you're gone"

Taking a shaky breath, Penelope struggled to get any more words out, but she knew she had to. She had to give her goodbyes to one of her dearest friends.

"I'll help Will with the boys, I promise... we won't let them forget you. Jennifer Jareau... you're my best friend... my sister... and I love you so much, I wish this hadn't happened to you. The world won't be the same without you"

Closing both hands around JJ's, Penelope sniffed, her entire body shaking with emotion. "I hope heaven is a beautiful place, Jayje... because you deserve nothing less. You're a superhero to Henry, and you're a superhero to me"

And with that, she completely broke down, unable to speak another word as she leant against the mattress, sobbing the devastated tears of someone who had just lost their best friend, their family, one of the most important people in their life.

* * *

Spencer hadn't even been able to speak. No tears came, but his heart was irreparably broken, his soul completely at a loss.

JJ held his world together. She truly was his best friend. She was part of his family. And now she was gone.

He seethed with anger at the thought of whoever had hurt the only person in the whole world who called him Spence. How someone could so easily take the life of another human being... he saw it all the time in cases, but seeing his colleague lying lifeless in the ICU hammered home the reality of what someone had done to her.

"I want someone to wake me up, JJ... this can't be real. You can't be gone," he whispered, his head hung towards his lap. He didn't want to look at her again, not like that. He wanted the happy memories of her. The day Henry was born. Their Redskins date. The day she had told him she was pregnant with Michael. The night she had married Will.

He didn't want to remember her like this. Pale, thin... fragile. That wasn't the JJ he knew.

"I'll always miss you... who in the world is going to call me Spence?" he said sadly, his voice cracking as he spoke.

He rose from the chair, squeezing JJ's hand, his touch lingering for just a second.

Fighting back the tears that so desperately wanted to fall, he turned and left the room, walking straight past Morgan who was still standing guard at JJ's door.

His world had just gotten a little bit smaller.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: Woo look at me go.**

* * *

His hands shook as he tried to figure out what he wanted to say.

How could he possibly sum up just how much JJ meant to him, not only as an agent but as a friend, in a few short, shaky sentences as he listened to the rhythmic beeping of the life support?

He knew he would never be able to completely get across how much she meant, how devastated he was. But by god, Hotch was not a man who gave up.

"I'm at a loss, JJ, I really am," he said softly, his voice tightening in his throat as the words fought to come out. "How you can be gone. I knew losing any of you was a danger… but up until now, I never truly believed it would actually happen… I had that much faith in your abilities to defend yourselves and hold your own"

Lifting a tentative hand, he closed it around the smaller one of his colleague's.

"You were an outstanding agent, JJ. You worked hard to make the world a safer place for those two little boys, and that's the legacy that's going to follow you at the FBI forever. But outside that… you were a fierce friend. You've helped me through so many times as a single parent… given me advice, taken Jack for a play date so I could get on top of things at home… but the one thing I'll never forget… you so selflessly opened your heart to me during one of the toughest times of my life, shared something so personal that you'd never shared before, all to help me deal with my own grief. And I think that speaks volumes about the person that you are, JJ, because you may have had trouble trusting people, you may have had your issues, as we all do, but you had the biggest heart, and the kindest intentions, and the world isn't going to be the same without you in it. I'm so sorry that this happened to you… and I promise I'm not going to rest until I find the monster that did this to you," he stammered, his voice cracking as his eyes grew awfully damp.

And then, for the first time in what could probably be measured in years, he let the tears fall.

* * *

Sandy had continually put it off. She had remained a pillar of strength in the waiting room, holding her own tears at bay as she watched the members of her daughter's team file in and out of the room, each of them taking their turn to say goodbye to a beloved friend and colleague.

Seeing Garcia walk out in tears straight into Derek's arms had hammered home to Sandy just how close her daughter's team was. She'd always known it since the night JJ and Will had married, but now, for the first time, she truly understood it. They weren't just a team, they were a family. And JJ's loss would be felt like an earthquake, one where the aftershocks never truly stopped rolling in.

She'd watched as one after the other, they had returned from JJ's room in tears, or in Hotch's case, stoically solemn. To see such a strong team so visibly broken… was truly heartbreaking.

"I think you should say goodbye," came her son-in-law's soft voice behind her. "I know you said you don't want to see her like that… that you want to keep the happy memories of her… but if you don't… it'll slowly kill you inside"

Biting her lip as her eyes burned dangerously, Sandy turned to face Will. His eyes were red against his pale face, his arms clenched tightly around his youngest son, who was perched on his hip.

"I can't," she breathed, her voice cracking as she spoke.

Looking towards Spencer, who had come over to take Michael from his arms, Will carefully passed the drowsy baby over to his uncle. Once he was sure Michael was settled with Spencer, he slowly rounded the bank of chairs, stopping just in front of his mother-in-law and holding out his hand.

"You're going to regret it if you don't," Will coaxed.

It was nearly a minute of silent contemplation later before Sandy finally took Will's hand, allowing him to gently tug her up from her seat and lead her from the waiting room.

As they approached the sliding door that held JJ safely away from prying eyes, she felt like two icebergs had settled in her chest. Her baby girl was gone, her body kept on this earth just long enough for them to say goodbye, and it was not something that Sandy was ever going to learn to live with.

"I'll give you some privacy," Will said softly as he opened the door and stepped aside so that Sandy could enter the room.

She had to remind her legs how to move, but eventually, she had crossed the threshold and was standing, now alone, across from her daughter's bed.

Memories began racing back to her. The day JJ was born, the first time she had put her foot to a soccer ball, her high school graduation, and the sheer excitement in her voice when she had rung with the news of her pregnancy with Michael.

Tears rushed down her cheeks as she stood forlorn in the middle of the room, unable to bring herself any closer.

"I'm sorry," she sobbed, her head falling to a shaking hand. "I'm sorry Jennifer. I didn't want to do this… it's horrible… but Will's right"

Standing in the corner with her sister at her side, JJ was watching her mother with heartbreak written all over her face.

"She's going to be all alone," she whispered sadly to Rosaline.

"I know," Rosaline said softly. "But she'll be ok. She still has Will and the boys. They won't let her sink"

Covering her mouth with her hand, JJ watched as her mother sank to the linoleum floor, her body shaking with the distraught sobs of a mother who had now tragically lost both of her children. It was a truly haunting sight, one that JJ wished she could reverse.

If only, if only… she could turn back time.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: Apologies for the long absence!**

* * *

With Morgan sitting watchfully at JJ's side, Will had been convinced to take Sandy and the boys back home for some much needed rest. They hadn't been at the hospital for a significant amount of time, but the stress of the last twenty four hours, plus the boys' interrupted sleep meant everyone needed some rest before they had to tackle the next hurdle.

Michael, being too little to properly understand, had been easily soothed off to sleep, but Henry had proved a little more difficult. Will had sat there for what felt like hours, holding his sobbing eight year old in his arms until, exhausted, the young boy had finally drifted off to sleep.

Heartbroken, but ragged tired, Will had crawled into bed and promptly fallen asleep the second his head hit the pillow.

But now, something had woken him up.

He'd opened his eyes to total darkness, meaning he'd been asleep at least a couple of hours. Staring around the room in confusion, he tried to work out what had roused him from his sleep.

When his eyes landed on JJ sitting on the end of the bed, he bolted upright, pushing his body as far back into the headboard as he could. His eyes wide and fearful, he stared in disbelief at the figure before him.

His wife was dead. Lifeless in a hospital bed attached to machines to keep her alive.

So how the hell was she sitting here, looking very much alive?

"JJ?" he asked, his voice so small and timid it almost frightened him.

JJ smiled softly. "Hi"

Taking a deep breath, Will swallowed thickly. "You're not...you're...how...but you're…"

"I know," JJ cut in gently. "Let's go for a walk"

He was nearly too afraid to oblige, but then reasoning kicked in; why was he afraid of his own wife? Was it because the living feared the dead?

Or was it because he was afraid to let himself think for one moment that JJ wasn't where he thought she was?

"This isn't real...this is just a dream," he whispered as he clambered out of bed and grabbed his jacket.

"Well yes...but why should that mean it isn't real?" JJ asked with a teasing smile as she held her hand out to him.

He tentatively took it, his heart leaping when he found that her hand felt very solid...very real. It was warm and soft, the way Will had always remembered them.

She tugged him gently from the room, leading him down the stairs and towards the front door. He followed meekly, wondering what on earth was going on.

They never walked far, just to the park at the end of their street that they loved to frequent with the boys. Usually a hive of activity, in the dead of night it sat completely still.

They came to a stop, sinking down onto a bench that was somewhat sheltered from the road. The silence between them felt somewhat unusual to Will... especially since he didn't know what to say.

"Will," JJ said softly after a short time had passed. "It's time to let me go"

Will stiffened his resolve, fighting back the tears he knew were going to fall.

"I know," he choked out.

"I'm sorry to do this to you," JJ whispered, looking at him with bright eyes.

"It's not your fault," Will said quickly, reaching for her hand again.

"I know," JJ replied. "But I'm still sorry"

Will took a deep breath, holding her hand between his as he tried to hold it together, tried to stop the hole he could feel tearing its way through his heart.

"Despite everything that's ever happened to us... you've always been the perfect girl for me, Jennifer Jareau," he said softly. "We both have our flaws… but we loved each other fiercely. You've given me ten years of happiness, and I promise I won't ever let our boys forget you. I promise Michael will grow up knowing how brave and strong you are. Despite all the arguments we had, you've always been the light of my life"

"I'll always be with you, you know that," JJ whispered through tears. "I've never stopped loving you"

Unable to speak anymore, Will crumbled, breaking down in tears as JJ's arms wrapped around him and her lips met his in a brief, but loving kiss.

She pulled away moments later, but Will took a few seconds to try and recompose himself before opening his eyes.

When he did, he was lying in the warmth of his bed, his cheeks damp with the tears he'd just shed.

His resolve folding, he rolled onto his left side, burying his face in the pillow and letting the tears fall with no holding back as he draped his arm over the empty space next to him.

It was cruel. Never again would he wake up to JJ sprawled out in her sleep, always taking up way more space than she needed. Never again would he see his boys faces light up when she came home from a case.

Never again would he feel the way Jennifer Jareau had always made him feel.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: To the anon who signed off as Barbara... yes, that is the song that inspired the story, but I was more specifically inspired by the version that Emeli Sande sang at the opening ceremony of the London 2012 Olympic Games. If you haven't heard it, you should search it up, it's hauntingly beautiful.**

* * *

He sat by her bedside, one hand on the top of her head, the other wrapped around her hand in a gentle gesture, never wanting to let go.

Because these moments would be the last moments in which he ever felt Jennifer Jareau's skin beneath his hands. As broken as he felt, he wanted to cherish it. But more than anything, he just wanted to rewind time. Go back and change something, _anything_ that would bring back his wife.

 _Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;  
The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.  
When other helpers fail and comforts flee,  
Help of the helpless, O abide with me._

Sandy sat opposite him, her arms wrapped around her oldest grandson as he cuddled against her chest, sniffling quietly. In the corner of the room, Michael slept on a nest of their coats in the armchair one of the nurses had brought in for them.

 _Swift to its close ebbs out life's little day;  
Earth's joys grow dim; its glories pass away;  
Change and decay in all around I see;  
O Thou who changest not, abide with me._

A part of Will held a fleeting hope that everything would be ok, that the doctors were wrong. JJ wasn't going to die. But deep down, he knew it was time to accept it. He had to let her go.

He closed his eyes, biting his lip as tears spilled over his lower lashes.

 _Not a brief glance I beg, a passing word,  
But as Thou dwell'st with Thy disciples, Lord,  
Familiar, condescending, patient, free.  
Come not to sojourn, but abide with me._

Not since he'd lost his father to Hurricane Katrina had he felt so broken. JJ was the one who had helped him build a new life in the wake of the storm, and now she too had been taken from him by a cruel twist of fate.

He knew he would never be ready. But it had to happen.

 _Thou on my head in early youth didst smile,  
And though rebellious and perverse meanwhile,  
Thou hast not left me, oft as I left Thee.  
On to the close, O Lord, abide with me._

Lifting his gaze, he made eye contact with the nurse in the corner, making no other gesture than to nod once at her. She nodded back, her face pale, her expression sombre.

Looking back down at the peaceful face of his beautiful wife, Will let his walls come crumbling down, the tears falling readily down his cheeks.

"I love you so much, JJ. Don't you ever forget that," he whispered as the nurse moved over to the respirator.

"I promise I'll look after our boys... and I'll see you again someday," he continued through his tears. Across from him, Sandy hugged Henry tighter, burying her face in his golden hair as she tried to stifle her own emotion.

 _I need Thy presence every passing hour.  
What but Thy grace can foil the tempter's power?  
Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?  
Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me._

Rising up so he could lean over the bed, Will leant down, pressing the softest of kisses to JJ's forehead, his lips lingering there for a moment before straightening up. Caressing her forehead softly with his thumb, he swallowed back even more tears as he sat back down.

"Are you ready Mr LaMontagne?" the nurse asked softly, placing a hand on his shoulder. Her voice was filled with the pain of what she was witnessing, but at the same time, was somewhat reassuring to the grieving family in the room. Will bit his lip, managing a nod as he squeezed JJ's hand tighter.

She reached over, her thin fingers wrapping around the breathing tube connected to the respirator beside JJ's bed. She hesitated for a moment, taking a deep breath, before carefully disconnecting the respirator from the tube.

 _I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless;  
Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness.  
Where is death's sting? Where, grave, thy victory?  
I triumph still, if Thou abide with me._

Will felt like he too couldn't breathe. Overwhelmed by tears, he caved, burying his face in his folded arms at the edge of the mattress, his hand still tightly clamped around JJ's.

He didn't know how long it took, the room painfully silent apart from Sandy's broken sobs and Henry's sniffles. But some time later, the ever slowing rhythmic beep had given way to one monotonous tone.

 _Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;  
Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies.  
Heaven's morning breaks, and earth's vain shadows flee;  
In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me._


	15. Epilogue

**A/N: Thank you for sticking with me over the long absence from this story! I hope you've... enjoyed... if that's the right word. And don't worry! As always, there is much more to come from me.**

 **On a parting note, my story Forever My Girl has been nominated for a Profiler's Choice Award and it would mean the world to me if you could cast your vote!**

* * *

Months passed.

JJ, ever reluctant to leave her family in the living world, had kept a close watch on them, her heart aching just to hold them close once more.

They had all walked around in a daze in the leadup to the funeral. But then the service came, and it had been time to let her go.

Will's eulogy at her funeral had brought JJ to tears as she stood quietly off to one side. He'd spoken so bravely and so beautifully about her, sharing stories that had made her friends family both laugh and cry. Her coffin had been covered in flowers by the time the service was over, a visual representation of just how much she was going to be missed.

The first couple of weeks following the funeral had been hard. Michael, too young to understand that his mommy was gone, had spent two days screaming for her while he battled a nasty stomach virus. Will had been brought to tears by his inability to calm his own child and had given up, leaving Michael to cry in his crib while he sank to the floor sobbing helplessly.

JJ had thought that was hard to watch.

Two nights later, the nightmares had started.

She'd watched on, tears falling down her cheeks as Henry woke up screaming every single night for nearly two months straight. Some nights he would wake up screaming and wet, other nights he was sick. Will had taken to keeping Henry in the master bed with him, in order to make sure his son was near him during the night.

Watching grief tear her beautiful little boy apart was definitely the hardest thing JJ had ever witnessed in her life.

Rosaline had tried to convince JJ that waiting around wasn't going to help her, but JJ had assured her that she knew what she was doing.

Slowly, life transitioned. With the help of a child psychologist, Henry learned how to cope with the loss of his mother. She watched him grow and blossom into a stronger, more confident young man.

Will learned how to be mom and dad, without letting the memories of their mother fade from their lives. Even in the first days after her death, JJ had smiled to see they kept all her pictures and memories in their places around the house. Avoidance never helped grief.

She watched as her team began to move on. They were devastated. Naturally.

Her mother had packed up what was left of her life in Pennsylvania and moved to DC, into a small apartment building some fifteen minutes from Will and the boys. For this, JJ was glad. She wouldn't have to worry about her mom, her mom who had lost almost everyone she loved. Will would look after her, she knew that.

The team, after a long and exhausting investigation, had found her killer. The man who had fired that fateful shot. Hotch had ensured he went behind bars for the rest of his life.

It was nearly a year after her death before she finally felt ready. Her boys were now ten and three. Will was smiling. Her mother was happy. The team were laughing. Most importantly, they hadn't let JJ's death tear them apart. The team and JJ's family were regular figures in each other's lives, for without each other, they would never have survived the first year without her.

"You ready?" came Rosaline's soft voice.

JJ nodded, turning and slipping her hand into her sister's.

"I just had to make sure. That they would be ok"

She smiled, turning with Rosaline and walking slowly away from the world of the living, until she was engulfed in beautiful white light, her sister right at her side.

She needn't have worried.

They were going to be just fine.


End file.
